I once had a friend who practiced a form of meditation where he would purposefully try to not edit any thought that came into his mind for a specified period of time. He said that most people would be surprised how difficult it is to do at first. A lot of thoughts try to surface and get immediately pushed back down for various reasons. I’ve tried the non-editing meditation and can’t say I liked it very much. Of course, the point is not that one will like it so much as to just take as much of an objective look at one’s true thoughts as possible. I’ve tried it a few times this weekend and so far what I’ve discovered is that I’ve come a very long way down the road of masking myself from myself. I’ve trained myself to think of so many other things instead of what I’m really thinking that it’s amazing anything gets done in my head at all. For example,
just now I got up to go to the bathroom and I took notice of a thought that popped into my head as I was leaving the bathroom. Something drifted to the surface about the house I was staying in when I was abused as a child. My eyes, however, came to the rescue and noticed that not only had the bed not been made but I should probably change the sheets too and oh how about those clothes in the dryer and don’t forget to make lunch…..and I caught myself. Caught myself editing. I’ll probably always edit.
Here, I don’t edit as much. It’s my brain drain I share with the rest of the world. Here, I can reveal anything I want. Or nothing at all. Or somewhere in between. Which is where I am right now. Caught with a thought in my throat. Deciding whether or not to edit. How much to reveal and how important it is or isn’t to reveal anything at all.
I stopped trying to twist myself into a tiny knot perfect without wings or breath and decided to drag myself to the top of the bottles of vodka and gin and then finally climb out and to stop being a whore, not just for money, but for the world and to no longer be a slave to anyone but myself and once having made the decision have never looked back and never will.
Now I actually have plans for my life and can think in a linear pattern that doesn’t involve my next drink or prodding and nagging someone to get a job so that I don’t have to screw to pay the rent. Now I’ve moved on. Now David is in the past, still floating in a bottle and having the occasional heart attack. Chuck found the perfect fake breasts attached to someone female and moved them in with him after years of wondering why I just fucking left one evening and never came back. He joined AA. Will ceases never wonder. And Sandy is just a memory. An old voice that pops up somewhere now and then, but only in my head. No longer a voice on the other end of the phone line telling me what exactly is expected of me if I am to maintain my position within her organization. Her position was on all fours and always will be. Lapping at the next cock she can swindle.
I’ve come too fucking far to let a negative viewpoint or opinion cloud my vision now.
I’m sorry did I forget to hit edit or delete?? Have a good Monday folks.
…i told you all along that the truth had teeth…..